So I guess the rapture is supposed to be tomorrow. Sucks, cause now I'll never know who the new boss will be on the Office. But anyway, I guess I'll make this my last post: 8 Cheap Ways To Avoid The Rapture.
1. Giant Stapler
Find a comically large stapler. Barring access to this, acquire an industrial stapler. Staple feet to solid surface. Note: For best results, must staple feet, not shoes.
2. Dead Weight
Remember when you were five and your parents were ready to leave and you weren't so they picked you up and you went limp, suddenly causing your tiny body to triple in mass? Utilize this method to avoid Rapture.
3. Pretend To Be A Victim Of A Blow-Up Doll Genocide
Travel to your nearest adult bookstore (don't pretend like you don't know where it is and the fastest route to get there). Bury yourself beneath the back room display blow-up dolls. Wait. Shower. Home free.
4. Tin Foil Halo
Go to your kitchen cabinet and retrieve the roll of tin foil. Using techniques similar to keeping alien radio waves from reading your mind, mold the tin foil into the approximate shape of a halo. When Rapture occurs, say you're an angel meant to render retribution on the sinful.
5. Tie Yourself To A Pipe That Extends Several Hundred Feet Down
Can't Rapture what you can't ascend. If this method can keep Helen Hunt from dying in an F5 tornado, surely it can render you Rapture free. Because movies would never lie to us about physics. Never.
6. Become A Mechanized Abomination
Choose a limb that you can live without. Remove. Cauterize. Attached mechanized replacement. Note: It is not necessary for the robot limb to be functional. Congratulations! You are now a godless monstrosity like Rosie O'Donnell.
7. Sew Free Weights Into Your Clothes
A variant on the Twister Principle, free weights are more plentiful than exposed pipes in many instances. If you are extremely determined, sew weights straight into flesh for maximum potential.
8. Become A Ninja
Because ninjas are never caught.
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