100 of the Best Dad Jokes Ever Told (Some You Shouldn’t Tell in Church)

Nothing says “I love you” like a groan-worthy dad joke. Whether you're looking to make your kids laugh, roll their eyes, or both, here are 100 of the most legendary dad jokes of all time. We've mixed in some slightly blue humor too—because let’s be honest, Dad’s had a long day.

🔥 Pro Tip: Read these out loud for maximum cringe. Groans are the goal.

1–20: Classic Cringe

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.
I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I asked my dog "what’s two minus two?" He said nothing.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
My wife said I never listen. At least I think that’s what she said.
I told my kid I invented a new word: Plagiarism.
The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but I turned myself around.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
I don't trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

21–40: A Bit More... Questionable

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? Attire.
Why do nurses carry red pens? In case they need to draw blood.
I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and slightly inappropriate.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tooter.
My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
They say money talks… mine just waves goodbye.
I told my wife her underwear was too tight. She said, 'Quit wearing them then.'
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament… but good players are hard to find.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
What’s the most sensitive part of your body when you’re reading a novel? The tear ducts. Unless it's Fifty Shades... then maybe not.
I got fired from the bakery. Apparently, loafing around isn't part of the job description.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
I was going to tell a time-travel joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
Parallel lines have so much in common… it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

41–60: For the Bold and the Brave

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I told my wife I was feeling a little dirty… so she handed me the soap.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their buttquacks.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyeliner too high. She looked surprised—and kind of angry.
I got a new job as the head of Old MacDonald’s farm. I’m the C-I-E-I-O.
My wife says I have two faults: I don’t listen and something else.
Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.
I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
I’m not saying your perfume is strong, but the canary was alive when I walked in.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
I used to be addicted to soap… but I’m clean now.
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell.
I told my kids I wouldn’t tell dad jokes anymore. They said, “Thanks.” I said, “No pun in ten did.”

61–80: Eye-Roll Hall of Fame

Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
I’m friends with all electricians. We have good current connections.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym… but she never showed. Guess we’re not working out.
I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
Why don’t ants get sick? They have tiny ant-i-bodies.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for next Tuesday.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you might be built upside down.
What did one wall say to the other? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying, “Ooooh, I love your work.”
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
I told my boss three companies were after me. He asked which ones. I said the gas, electric, and cable.
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybeeeeeee…
I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home all the signs were there.
What did Cinderella say when she ordered her photos from Walgreens? “Someday my prints will come.”
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I started a business fixing broken yo-yos… it has its ups and downs.

81–100: Hall of Shame

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they ever said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
I tried to catch some fog yesterday… Mist.
I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on weekdays. I said, 'Must be my weekend immune system.'
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
What do you call a magician who lost his magic? Ian.
I told my wife she should do more squats. She told me I should do more “shutting up.”
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
I got carded at the liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier laughed and said, “Never mind.”
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said I’m bad with money, I’d probably still waste it.
"I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.