@DanMentos: My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
@twayne1010: A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
@vikkaroni: I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would've coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
@OtherDanOBrien: Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn't have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
@KevinFarzad: Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We're in a drought, idiot.
@jake_likes_naps: i hope Jessica Biel names her first child 'batmo"
@Tbone7219: A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
@Cpin42: When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig-zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
@man_spach: [on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
@FrogAvalanche: Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again.
@karencheee: People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.
Right? I didn't do this for nothing, right?
@leifromloihi: [pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend NFL players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators?
@Brampersandon_: We have great news. We're pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know 'the sex'. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
@SortaBad: "If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead" - brilliant rumor started by lazy bears