Bart Simpson's Prank Calls to Moe
Bart's Prank Calls:
Some Enchanted Evening
Bart: Is Al there?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Caholic?
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Phone call for Al, Al Caholic. Is there an Al Caholic here?
Moe: Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jacka--, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
Some Enchanted Evening
Bart: Is Oliver there?
Bart: Oliver Clothesoff.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!
Bart: Is Mister Freely there?
Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute. Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.
Moe: Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
Bart: Is Jaques there?
Bart: Jaques, last name Strap.
Moe: Uh, hold on. Uh, Jaques Strap. Hey guys I'm looking for a Jock Strap.
Oh. Wait a minute. Jock Strap. It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.
One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish
Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? A Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Wait a minute. Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second, let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Hey, come on, come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual!
Homer: Don't look at me!
Moe: You rotten liver pot! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick.
Moe: Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.
Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. Hugh Jass! Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Man: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. What a nice young man.
Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk
Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem? First name, Bea.
Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check. Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem! Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney: You sure do!
Moe: Oh. It's you, isn't it! Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
New Kid on the Block
Moe: Yeah, just a sec; I'll check. (calls) Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm lookin' fer Amanda Hugginkiss. Why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: You little S.O.B. Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Bart: My name is Jimbo Jones, and I live at 1094 Evergreen Terrace.
Moe: I knew he's slip up sooner or later! He unsheathes a rusty knife and heads out of the tavern.
New Kid on the Block
Laura and Bart: Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle? First name. Ivana?
Moe: Ivana Tinkle, just a sec. Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! Hey, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!
Treehouse of Horror II
Moe: Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
Barney: Ho ho, that's a new one.
Moe: Wait a minute.
Bart: [hangs up and laughs]
Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Kuddulmee! Heywood U. Kuddulmee? Big guy in the back, "Hey, would you cuddle me"?
Moe: Oh, do, that little, ooh. I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific, stop!
Calls to other bartenders and people:
Bart: Calls "Inga-bar Beerman's", in Stockholm Sweden.
Bartender: Ja? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olav? Attention, everyone; Olav Myfriendsaregay!
Patrons: Laugh smugly.
Bartender: Wait a minute. If I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.
Bart: Calls "Crocodile Drunkee's" in Sydney.
Bartender: I got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
Patron: Better put it down then, mate!
Bart calls a bar named just "Bar" somewhere in Hawaii
Bart: Aloha to you! I'm looking for Maya. Last name, Normousbutt.
Bartender: Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
Bart is trying to call the Counter-Truancy unit on a cellphone; the line sounds like it is crossed.
Jack Bauer: Chloe, I need those schematics now!
Bart: Who is this?
Jack: I'm Jack Bauer - who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? I'm, uh, Ahmed Adoodie (pronounced "I Made a Doodie").
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
Chloe: Ahmed Adoodie - wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
Chloe: No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
Bart laughs; Jack fires a gun at someone
Homer the Moe
Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie.
Homer: Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Yell out "I'll eat a booger!"
Homer: What's the gag?
Bart: Oh, forget it.
Calls not from Bart:
Bart on the Road
Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura
Moe: Eura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
The Way We Weren't
10-year-old Marge calling Homer's camp; Moe answers the phone.
Marge: I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
Moe: Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? Ooh. And that's the origin of that.
Homer the Smithers
Mr. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland.
Moe: Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
The PTA Disbands
This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike.
Moe: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
Moe: All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
Students: More laughs.
Moe: All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Students: Still more laughs.
Moe: Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers.