The Man's Guide to Hugging

Let's face it, most men don't like to hug, it's awkward. There are a variety of hugs, and most all of them suck.

The Man Hug
A minimum of one inch is left between bodies, followed by a minimum of two vigorous pats on the back. The harder you pat, the manlier you are, and the happier you are to see the person you are hugging.

The Old Female Relative Hug
This hug is usually far too squishy, smells like rose scented soap, and is usually followed by the relative looking at you in the face, while still embracing, telling you how happy they are to see you, how big you've grown, or how handsome you are. The face to face distance is usually less than 6 inches.

The Unwanted Kiss
The unwanted kiss hug is just like it sounds, the hug is excruciating, because you know it is going to be followed by a kiss, usually on the lips. This leads to a longer than desired hug, because you are racking your brain as to how to get out of the kiss. I recommend, sneezing, burping, or pretend nausea.

The Hip to Hip Hug
An awkward embrace where the huggers stand side to side, and embrace around the shoulder. Usually done with a buddy, or someone you are pretending to like. This is awkward because your hip is touching another dudes hip.

The A-Frame Hug
This is where the huggers stand about a 1 1/2 feet from each other, and lean in for the hug. Men don't often do this, it is more common with females, faining affection. It is believed men don't often use this method, because it looks gay to bend like that.

The Handshake Hug
Perhaps the only acceptable form of man hug. This is performed by first shaking hands, then deciding that a warmer greeting is needed. This leads to a simultaneous back patting by both parties, while still maintaining a firm handshake grip. This hug says, yes, I care about you, but not in a weird way.

The Yao Ming
This is the hug where either you, or the other hugger is significantly taller than the other. This leads to someone having way to much face to armpit contact, leading to a very awkward, and often smelly hug.

The Crush
This is the hug where one party is way to vigorous in their hug grip, causing your back to pop, the air to leave your lungs, or your rib to crack. This is often a hug from an uncle or older brother, attempting to show you that yes he loves you, but he also tougher than you, and if I hug you like this, it appears more playful, and less awkward and romantic.

The I Don't Have All Day Hug
This is often given by someone very sentimental, sad, happy, or ill. These hugs last for days upon days, and are seemingly endless. These hugs are usually accompanied by an uncontrollable itch somewhere on your body, you are not able to reach, because you are otherwise occupied by the hug. They also tend to occur when you are in a hurry, and don't have time for a hug.

The I Hate You Too Hug
This is a hug you give to someone you are supposed to care for, but really hate, or are temporarily upset with. It is very short, head turned away, accompanied by two quick pats to the back.

The Love Interest
This hug is the best. It is usually an attempt to press your body against an attractive woman, and often accompanied by wandering hands. This can be awkward if the woman does not share similar feelings, or if you later find out that was your first cousin Sarah, from when you were little, but you don't remember because you were so young, and now she is smoking hot, and you wish someone would have told you sooner, because now you feel like a perv, and you feel bad because you still find her hot, even though you found out she is your cousin.

(Written by Nifty Nick. Feel free to redistribute, but please link back to

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