February 2010 ~ Now That's Nifty

Man Builds Noah's Ark to Exact Scale

Working Replica of Noah's Ark Opened In SCHAGEN, Netherlands . The massive central door in the side of Noah's Ark was opened the first crowd of curious townsfolk to behold the wonder. Of course, it's only a replica of the biblical Ark , built by Dutch Creationist Johan Huibers as a testament to his faith in the literal truth of the Bible. The ark is 150 cubits long, 30 cubits high and 20 cubits wide. That's two-thirds the length of a football field and as high as a three-story house. Life-size models of giraffes, elephants, lions, crocodiles, zebras, bison and other animals greet visitors as they arrive in the main hold. A contractor by trade, Huibers built the ark of cedar and pine. Biblical Scholars debate exactly what the wood used by Noah would have been.

Read the rest here.

Thanks Craig!

The Bacon Tree

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Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, "Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon, I think."

"Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Dave, Dave, we are saved. It's a bacon tree."

"Mark, maybe it's a mirage? We are in the desert don't forget."

"Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree."

And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, "Dave, go back man, you were right, it's not a bacon tree!"

"Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?"

"Dave it's not a bacon tree; it's, it's, it's, a ham bush!"

Roping a Deer

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I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are
there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back, they were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up; 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of
the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then began my education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer? No chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to drag me over jagged rocks. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head mostly blinded me.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between that deer and me. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder (a little trap I had set before hand. Clever!). I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse
where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried a different approach, screaming, shaking and wetting my pants instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (in theory), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. Sucker.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will indeed strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when
an animal (like a horse)strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse, this was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy; I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after
all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

Flying a Plane Without Arms

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This woman can fly a plane, even though she doesn't have arms. Yep, she steers with her feet.

16 Beautiful Bridges

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The Vltava River is the location of this beautiful destination—the oldest bridge in Prague. With 16 pillars, 30 statues and numerous lamps bordering the bridge, each side ends with an enormous and breathtaking Gothic tower. Many of the historical statues are now on display in museums around the area. Photo by Paolo Negri/Getty Images.

See the rest of the famous bridges at Woman's Day.

10 Sensational Skydiving Feats

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In 2005, on November 25 and 26, Dave Hillebrandt of United Space Alliance, Kevin Keenan of Lockheed Martin and NASA's James Bolton were part of the record-setting 81- and 85-person canopy formation dives that took place over Lake Wales, Florida. Photo courtesy of Gustavo Cabana.

See the other nine cool skydiving photos at Woman's Day.

Hero Dog Keeps Lost Girl Alive

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Police in Arizona are crediting a family dog with saving the life of a lost little girl. Three-year-old Victoria Bensch wandered away from her family home in Cordes Lakes, Ariz. on Thursday and got lost in the mountains surrounding the valley. Search parties spent the night looking for the girl as temperatures dipped below 30 degrees.

She was finally spotted 15 hours after she vanished by a helicopter pilot on Friday. Next to her was Blue, the family's Queensland heeler. "The dog kept her alert, warm and gave her companionship throughout a very cold night," Dwight D'Evelyn, spokesman for the Yavapai County Sheriff's Office, said.

Pilot Matthew Uhl and medic Eric Tarr spotted the girl and her dog in a dry creek bed and landed nearby. "She wasn't moving when we first came upon her," Uhl said. "She was kind of just looking face-down on the ground."

The dog was protective of the child when they first approached, but when the girl smiled, the dog relaxed. "I think once the dog realized we were there to help them out, he was very excited," Uhl said.

"He ran around while the medic tended to the little girl, and when it was time to go, he jumped right into the helicopter and was ready to go."

She was taken to Phoenix Children's Hospital and treated for frostbite, but doctors said she was healthy despite the ordeal.

Via

Caught Looking at Smut on National TV

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Teehee, you dirty boy. Here's to hoping your wife doesn't watch the news. Click the picture for a larger image.

22 Trees Growing Around Objects

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When a tree is growing, and it encounters something that gets in the way of it's growth, it can do three things: stop growing, grow away from it, or grow around it. Is it possible there are items entirely consumed by trees that we don't know about? I would say it is not only possible, but likely. Here are 22 examples of trees simply absorbing obstacles.

A tree growing over a bench.

A tell tale sign you have owned a car too long.

A tree has grown right over two signs.

Here a tree has grown over a water faucet. Still works too.

If it's been that long since you have moved your motorcycle, why not sell it?

A tree growing right over a headstone.

Growing over a rock.

This tree has entirely engulfed a "no trespassing" sign.

Know what happens when you don't take down your Christmas lights on time? You do now.

It looks like it's trying to eat the pipe.

Here it's grown right over a metal tub. The exact tub actually, that I bathed in as a child, growing up in the Appalachians. Not really.

Growing right over a fence.

A tree growing over a palm tree.

A tree growing over a boulder.

A tree growing over a wall.

A tree growing around a bicycle. Story behind the tree found here.

Here is a tree growing around a truck, or the site of a strange accident.

Here is a tree growing around a light that someone had attached to it years earlier.

Here a tree is growing over the skull of a deer.

A tree is growing around a statue of Buddah.

Here a tree has grown over, and outlasted, a fence.

Another tree growing around a fence.

Sources: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

Bart Simpson's Prank Calls to Moe

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Bart's Prank Calls:

Some Enchanted Evening
Bart: Is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Caholic?
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Phone call for Al, Al Caholic. Is there an Al Caholic here?
Moe: Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jacka--, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!

Some Enchanted Evening
Bart: Is Oliver there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Oliver Clothesoff.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

Homer's Odyssey
Bart: Is Mister Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute. Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.

Moaning Lisa
Moe: Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
Bart: Is Jaques there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Jaques, last name Strap.
Moe: Uh, hold on. Uh, Jaques Strap. Hey guys I'm looking for a Jock Strap.
Oh. Wait a minute. Jock Strap. It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish
Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? A Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Wait a minute. Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!

Principal Charming
Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second, let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Hey, come on, come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual!
Homer: Don't look at me!
Moe: You rotten liver pot! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!

Blood Feud
Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick.

Flaming Moe's
Moe: Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.
Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. Hugh Jass! Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Man: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. What a nice young man.

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk
Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem? First name, Bea.
Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check. Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem! Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney: You sure do!
Moe: Oh. It's you, isn't it! Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!

New Kid on the Block
Moe: Yeah, just a sec; I'll check. (calls) Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm lookin' fer Amanda Hugginkiss. Why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: You little S.O.B. Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Bart: My name is Jimbo Jones, and I live at 1094 Evergreen Terrace.
Moe: I knew he's slip up sooner or later! He unsheathes a rusty knife and heads out of the tavern.

New Kid on the Block
Laura and Bart: Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle? First name. Ivana?
Moe: Ivana Tinkle, just a sec. Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! Hey, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!

Treehouse of Horror II
Moe: Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
Barney: Ho ho, that's a new one.
Moe: Wait a minute.
Bart: [hangs up and laughs]

Helter Shelter
Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Kuddulmee! Heywood U. Kuddulmee? Big guy in the back, "Hey, would you cuddle me"?
Moe: Oh, do, that little, ooh. I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific, stop!
Bart: [Laughs]

Calls to other bartenders and people:

Lost Verizon
Bart: Calls "Inga-bar Beerman's", in Stockholm Sweden.
Bartender: Ja? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olav? Attention, everyone; Olav Myfriendsaregay!
Patrons: Laugh smugly.
Bartender: Wait a minute. If I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.

Lost Verizon
Bart: Calls "Crocodile Drunkee's" in Sydney.
Bartender: I got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
Patron: Better put it down then, mate!

Lost Verizon
Bart calls a bar named just "Bar" somewhere in Hawaii
Bartender: Aloha!
Bart: Aloha to you! I'm looking for Maya. Last name, Normousbutt.
Bartender: Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
Patrons: Laugh

24 Minutes
Bart is trying to call the Counter-Truancy unit on a cellphone; the line sounds like it is crossed.
Jack Bauer: Chloe, I need those schematics now!
Bart: Who is this?
Jack: I'm Jack Bauer - who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? I'm, uh, Ahmed Adoodie (pronounced "I Made a Doodie").
Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
Chloe: Ahmed Adoodie - wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
Jack: Really?
Chloe: No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
Jack: Dammit!
Bart laughs; Jack fires a gun at someone

Homer the Moe
Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie.
Homer: Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Yell out "I'll eat a booger!"
Homer: What's the gag?
Bart: Oh, forget it.

Calls not from Bart:

Bart on the Road
Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura
Moe: Eura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

The Way We Weren't
10-year-old Marge calling Homer's camp; Moe answers the phone.
Marge: I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
Moe: Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? Ooh. And that's the origin of that.

Homer the Smithers
Mr. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland.
Moe: Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

The PTA Disbands
This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike.
Moe: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
Students: Laugh.
Moe: All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
Students: More laughs.
Moe: All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Students: Still more laughs.
Moe: Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers.

Free Pancakes at IHOP

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It’s National Pancake Day. That means FREE PANCAKES AT IHOP. February 23, 2010 From 7AM to 10 PM,

Get a Free short stack (three) of our famous buttermilk pancakes. *All we ask is that you consider making a donation to support local children’s hospitals through Children’s Miracle Network, or other local charities.

I think the key word there is "consider." Last year I considered it for a moment then walked out without donating. Unfortunantly, my wife is not so callus.

About National Pancake Day

Since beginning its National Pancake Day celebration in 2006, IHOP has raised more than $3.25 million to support charities in the communities in which it operates. While IHOP's National Pancake Day typically takes place on Shrove Tuesday, this year the company will host its free pancake event on Tuesday, February 23, extending the fundraising window by one week to maximize donations for Children's Miracle Network. With your help, we hope to raise $5 million in five years for Children's Miracle Network and other local charities through your donations in 2010!

Known also as Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras, National Pancake Day dates back several centuries to when the English prepped for fasting during Lent. Strict rules prohibited the eating of all dairy products during Lent, so pancakes were made to use up the supply of eggs, milk, butter and other dairy products; hence the name Pancake Tuesday or Shrove Tuesday.

30 Retro Breakfast Cereals Part 2

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Here are 30 more retro breakfast cereals. Recognize any? I definitely remember Hidden Treasures cereal. What an awful idea (shiver). Make sure to check out part 1, part 2 and part 3.

Honey crunchers, sweetened with sugar.

(Image courtesy of Jason Liebig)

Urkel was so close to being our first African American president.

Nasty cereal in disguise.

(Image courtesy of Gregg Koenig)

My sister loved Strawberry Shortcake.

Even Gargamel loved this cereal.

(Image courtesy of Jason Liebig)

I never understood how Slimer could join the Ghostbusters team, and watch as his fellow ghosts were destroyed. What a sick individual.